My Dear Mr. Trufflebottom,
In reply to your rather strange inquiry about how to secure your reputation as an amateur writer and putting aside any speculation on my part as to why anyone would want to do such a thing, herein are a few suggestions:
1 . Maximize the use of cliches, especially during character dialog but don’t over-do it. You only want to appear amateurish, not a complete idiot.
2. Use as many words as possible to convey a thought. Remember the James Mitchener Principle — (also called the Hack Writer’s Mantra) — never use one word if ten will do.
3. When writing fiction, include as many mundane details as possible and don’t be afraid to stop in the middle of an action scene to plug them in.
4. Use big words to show off your vocabulary. Big and obscure is even better. Make your reader run to a dictionary as often as possible.
5. Remember, adjectives and adverbs are an amateur writer’s best friend. Use as many as possible as often as possible.
6. Forget the directive, “Sometimes the sky is just blue.” (See number 5.) Instead amaze your reader with your ability stop the flow of action by using descriptive words only a thesaurus-geek would know.
7. Randomly switch the point-of-view from first person to third person to omniscient to whatever. After all, poetic license is not just for poets only.
8. When employing dialog keep your reader confused about which character is speaking by never using dialog tags. The only problem with this tactic is that even highly successful writers sometimes use it. Nothing is more aggravating to a reader than having to back track to see who is speaking.
9. Forget the simple dialog tags of “he said she said.” Instead use inventive alternative tags like “the esteemed Doctor of Philosophy replied in a stern voice….”
10. Finally: find your favorite sentence structure and stick with it. Unvarying sentence structure is a sure-fire way to put your reader to sleep which, of course, is the ultimate goal of a hack writer.
Sincerely,
Your faithful guide to mediocrity
J. Harvey Pentagraft
- A Writer’s Guide to Mediocrity - March 27, 2026
- The Making of a Good Poem - January 20, 2025
- Only Poets Can Save America - June 26, 2023